Guide to Express Your Boundaries

By Karen Elena James

Is it difficult to tell people that you feel uncomfortable about something

they said or did – something that oversteps what you consider acceptable?

Highly sensitive people have different comfort levels than others,

so personal boundaries are especially important for them.

This guide will help you establish emotional boundaries and communicate

them with courage and compassion.

Before you speak

1. Believe in yourself

It’s crucial that you believe you're worthy of respect and kindness and are entitled to have standards for what's acceptable from others and what isn't. You’re entitled to your opinions, to having your own comfort level and

doing what’s best for you.

2. Your standards

Know what your standards are. They’re driven by your values and are the basis for your deciding when something

is objectionable.

You’ll feel it in your gut when someone oversteps your boundaries. Your gut will also alert you when you feel obligated to do something that you don't want to do.

3. Use your sensitivity and your intuition

Maybe the other person is struggling with issues that they haven’t mentioned explicitly. And we’re all thoughtless sometimes. This could also be an opportunity to educate them about sensitivity – if you feel it will be received

without further need to protect yourself.

4. Expression

Remember that when you respond to someone, your message is sent not only by your words but also by your

tone of voice and body language. You don't have to apologize or provide details or make excuses.

5. Calm yourself

If you need a minute to calm yourself before you speak, do it, so that you can respond with respect and diplomacy and of course, with your sensitivity. This is especially important if you feel angry or hurt. Take deep breaths as needed.

Sample phrases to use in different situations

When you feel offended or angry:

I'm not sure I like that.
Would you explain what you mean by that?
Your comment seems insensitive to me.
That's a little harsh - is that what you intended?
I appreciate that you have an opinion but I find it insensitive.
I appreciate that you have an opinion but this matter is my concern.
I don't feel as though my concerns have been heard.
I'm not prepared to talk about that now, another time would be better.
I see that you’re upset, and I’d rather talk about this when we’re both calm.
We’re both upset and I don’t want to continue this until we’re calm.

When you feel ill at ease or disagree:

I’m not sure I like that.
I feel uncomfortable when you do that, would you please stop.
I see your point but I prefer (fill in the blank)
I'm not comfortable with your comment.
I have a different opinion so maybe we can meet in between by ...

make your suggestion here …

Maybe we should agree to disagree and talk about something else.
I understand your position but I believe something different.
I understand that you're ready to do X but I need more time.
That’s a personal matter I’d rather not discuss.
I don’t think your comment is appropriate.

When you want to decline an offer or invitation:

No thank you.
Thanks for the invite but I have other plans.
Thanks for including me but I'm not available.
It's nice of you to offer but I'm going to pass.

After you’ve spoken

You’ve said what you wanted to say – now what? At this point, you don’t know how the other person will react.

1. Remember that you only have control over you.

2. Again, try to be calm. Breathe.

3. It’s okay to feel shaky.

Allow your body to slowly release its tension and return to a more relaxed state. This can take more time for

the highly sensitive nervous system.

4. Practice detachment. Be an observer.

If the other person is upset or intentionally tried to manipulate you, imagine you’re a health professional. You’re watching them with curiosity. You know that they are responsible for their words and actions, not you.

Your staying calm will allow you to think more clearly and decide if you want to continue engaging with them or not.

5. Longer - term solutions.

If you have an ongoing relationship with someone, setting, maintaining and communicating your boundaries will obviously be more complex. The practices provided here will still apply in many situations. If the relationship is

too distressing for you, you may need to consider reducing contact or ending it altogether to preserve your health.

In the meantime, create an assortment of practices to soothe yourself as often as possible.

Tips

1. When appropriate, you may want to begin with "With all due respect,"

2. State how you feel rather than accusing someone of wrongdoing.

3. These phrases also work well in writing.

You’ll most likely have more time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Create tone

by using exclamation points, emojis or other images.

4. Remember that you can change the subject or walk away.