A comfort zone, according to the definitions I found, is a place where we feel safe and in control. It’s an especially important part of life for a highly sensitive person because we need a refuge from ‘noises’ of all types that invade our personal space and threaten our peace. A comfort zone is where we recharge, relax and heal. It includes what we allow into our life as well as what we avoid.

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Highly sensitive people often have blurry lines between themselves and other people. This makes it more difficult to feel in control of our own life because we absorb so much of our surroundings. How do we distinguish between ours and theirs and how do we know which we’re reacting to? Do we have enough self-awareness to know when we block something about them that we’re not also blocking aspects of ourself?

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To further complicate matters, a lot of highly sensitive people have difficult relationships in their history.

That means -

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distinguishing among our own needs, those of people currently around us and those of people from our past who have buried their needs and beliefs in our unconscious and are still influencing us.

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That’s a lot to sort out.

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With all this complexity, how do we feel safe and in control of our life?

 

First, each of us has to define for ourself specifically what constitutes safety and control.

 

So, what does safety mean for you? Is it the absence of danger? Is it feeling accepted and loved just as you are? Is it physical, mental or emotional? Is it a lack of surprises and minimizing the unexpected? Are there places where you feel safe, are there people or situations that provide safety?

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What about control? We can define it as having influence and making decisions. In your own life, do you have as much power as you'd like to decide what happens, personally and professionally? What about the things that are beyond your control – the things other people, governments, etc do? If you can’t control what other people say and do, what can you control about their effect on you? I would answer that you always have control over your reactions, don’t you? Are you resilient? Are there times when you can manage something by finding a way to work with it even though you can’t control it? Do you believe in your ability to handle whatever happens in your life?

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When you know what gives you comfort, the next step is to determine where you have it and where you don't. How many of these things or relationships are in your life now? Do you know how to obtain or create more of them? Do you know how to express your need for them? And - are there things other than safety and control that give you comfort? To answer these questions, you could create a Comfort List --

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Here are some thoughts to help you create your Comfort List:

 

There is a Highly Sensitive Comforts Worksheet in the Resources section to help you answer these questions. One way to complete the Worksheet is to pay attention throughout several days and note those situations when you need comfort - when you’re feeling overwhelmed or irritated. Also note the times when you feel good – what delights you and nurtures or relaxes you?

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This list is for your eyes only so be honest. Just note and record how you feel and how you act and react in different scenarios. Remember that needs are not weaknesses or character flaws but they can be a wake-up call (for more about our shadow self, read the Article here). This list can help you on your self-development path as well as identifying your comfort needs. 

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The following questions are prompts in case you want to go deeper - before or while you complete the Worksheet.

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Have you healed old wounds that are still influencing your life – affecting your choices and decisions, your relationships? If these wounds are still active, they’re likely causing you to avoid opportunities and seek safety and control beyond what you’d otherwise need. Remember that they can dictate how you act when new experiences trigger the old feelings associated with them. Since these wounds can cause unhealthy or fearful responses, often based in shame, guilt or obligation as well as fear, it can be difficult to bypass them and choose what’s best for us. 

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How is your self-esteem? If it’s low, your need for safety will be high and your feeling of control over your life will be low. The unknown will likely seem frightening, causing you to create more control in your life. Many people believe control gives them security, but when the need for control is based in fear and one’s lack of belief in their ability to navigate life, there’s no real security. That comes from self-belief and from being largely free of unhealed wounds.

 

If your self-esteem is high, how are you caring for yourself? Have you relinquished the need to control in favor of a more relaxed life style, allowing yourself to flow and adapt as needed? How are you expressing your gift of sensitivity?

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How are your relationships? Do you have people in your life whom you trust? Do you feel accepted?

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How do you balance conforming with the outside world – friends, colleagues, family, culture, etc - with loyalty to yourself? Is there an internal battle between the two that causes stress and robs you of relaxation and peace? When you give your own wants and needs their due attention, choices about loyalty can be decided from a place of self-worth and balance.

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Do you have boundaries or do you have barriers? Do you protect yourself and speak up when you believe it’s necessary, with flexibility and discernment, or do you automatically withdraw? Are you ever combative in your efforts to protect yourself? Is your heart open in both directions? How do you feel after you assert yourself? How do you feel when you walk away because it’s the best choice for you at the time? Note the difference, without judgment, between fearful withdrawing and choosing to walk away or remain silent.

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Healthy boundaries, and your comfort, include retreating to re-energize and relax, with or without the risk of a confrontation, and they're a necessity for highly sensitive people. When we value ourself, we take care of ourself. 

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Do you separate consideration and empathy for others from taking on undue responsibility for them? This goes back to those blurry lines I mentioned earlier.  

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Being compassionate and helpful and supportive is a good thing, usually. But if you have a tendency to rescue others when they should be finding their own way, answer this - when does empathy and compassion turn into codependence or allowing people to take advantage of you? Are you tolerating bad behavior? As highly sensitive people, we often see what others miss or don’t want to admit about themselves. But that doesn’t mean we should take responsibility for them. We make necessary changes in our life when we’re ready or when we’re forced to, and some people are never ready.

 

When you decide to help someone, don't be afraid to set limits on your availability. Take care of your own health. And even people who are genuinely in need and appreciative of help can take advantage of your kindness and willingness to help them. If you relax your boundaries, be sure to do it intentionally and to pay attention to what unfolds. 

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Are you your own authority or do you defer to others much of the time? Being our own authority means taking full responsibility for our life. It means embracing our values and abilities and being comfortable with who we are. It means accepting our vulnerability and asking for help and guidance when we need it. This isn’t weakness or selfishness, it’s giving ourself the same care that we’d give to someone else we care deeply for.

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If you’re still working on your self-assurance, what do you want to change? Do you people please to avoid any risk of rejection? If you give away your authority, do you believe stifling your concerns reduces your stress level because giving responsibility to others won’t cause friction? How do you feel when you hand over control to others? Are you getting what you want out of life if someone else calls the shots? It’s true, there are times when others will be in charge and we need to follow, but that’s not the same as routinely suppressing wishes and preferences because it’s easier than learning to assert yourself. 

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Our true self is always within reach. No matter what happens during our lifetime, I believe there’s a part of us that’s connected to something greater. I like Deepak Chopra’s description of this “innermost essence” of our being:

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“This true essence is beyond the ego. It is fearless, it is free, it is immune to criticism, it does not fear any challenge. It is beneath no one, superior to no one and full of magic, mystery and enchantment.”

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Creating your comfort zone

 

If you haven't already begun, this is a good time to review and start completing your Comfort List. After you've done that and you’re clear about what you need and where you stand with meeting those needs, it’s time to start making adjustments - to add or reduce or remove items in your list, to create ways to make them better suited to your life. Maybe you'll benefit by adjusting your perspective.

 

To create more comfort in your life:

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• Review your list of what you want and what you’d rather avoid, what causes distress, including relationships.

• Make note of what you already have and what’s missing or could be improved or increased.

• Prioritize the changes you'd like to make.

• Start taking steps on your highest priorities. 

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Some things may be resolved quickly and easily. Here's an example - many adults are comforted by stuffed animals.​Don’t get discouraged by the thought of effort and time involved or consequences for the more difficult issues. Remember your objective. Consider the trade-offs. For example, would you rather live with tension and resentment toward someone who takes advantage of you but provides companionship or would you risk loneliness by reducing contact with them? With a strong belief in yourself, willingness to change and support from others, you can create your own version of 'home.'

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