Feeling like you don’t fit - with your culture, your family, your workplace, the town you live in, even with your friends – can cause anxiety & pain, because we all need to belong somewhere, somehow.

 

When you have some notable differences from the majority of people you interact with – in this case, reacting more intensely to life and having a trait that's relatively new - there will be people who don't understand your needs and behavior. 

 

Where there’s lack of understanding, there’s often judgment, and being judged is especially difficult for a sensitive person. As a result, we may decide to hide who we are. There are times when that will be the best choice, but instead of habitually hiding our personality and needs, we can do inner work to remove pent up feelings and restricting beliefs. When we've done enough of this work, we're able to gain an inner calm, and we're less likely to become defensive and withdrawn when we feel out of place. We all send out energy, and when we like who we are deep down, that's what we project. 

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The solution for highly sensitive people is to be 100% accepting of ourselves, just as we are. We are all a work in progress.

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You’ve probably come across that statement many times but it actually is the foundation for a greater quality of life. When we don’t value ourselves enough, we block possibilities and joy. And we aren't as receptive to complimentary comments & actions by other people because they’re at odds with our opinion of ourself.

 

How do we avoid feeling weird or like an outcast?

 

First of all, I don’t believe that “weird” is necessarily a bad thing, it can represent originality and courage and vision. I’ll write more about this later.

 

The first step is to know yourself well. Be bold and honest and face your best and your worst and everything in between. Take time to think about this if you haven’t done this recently. Define how and why you feel different and under which circumstances. Maybe you know someone who can give you their honest but gentle opinion. If there are things you'd like to change about yourself, based on the type of person you want to be (your values), then work on it. Accept what you cannot change.

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Don't be ashamed of who you are. Imagine feeling the freedom of complete self-acceptance.

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Always make time to do what you love to do, whether you're happy with your current interests or you want to explore and develop new ones. But don't shut down, we need healthy outlets for our feelings and our creativity. We need to explore (even if only in our mind) and take some risks, feed our soul. And if you need something, ask for it. 

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Do it your way

 

Sometimes there's an easy solution. One of the jobs I had years ago was at a religious social service organization whose beliefs I didn’t share. (In case you’re wondering why I was there, I decided to overlook our differences because of the work they were doing.)

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The leader of the organization began some of their meetings with a prayer. At the first one I attended, I happened to sit near another employee who also didn’t subscribe to their religion. When I questioned them, this person told me that during those prayers, they silently practiced their own version of gratitude.

 

Of course it won’t always be that simple, especially with closer relationships like family and in situations where you’ll be more visible. But my coworker had given me a gift that day: a lesson that’s served me in many ways since then.

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There's also a time and place to express our creative ideas. A colleague once brought a homemade 'cat litter box cake' to a pot luck lunch at the very conservative company where we were working. It didn't go over well. When we misjudge, and we all do, make note of the lesson, in this case: 'know your audience,' and move on. Being able to recover from our missteps is a skill we can develop, and it's a vital one for highly sensitives. 

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Awkwardness & Conflict 

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One proactive way to handle potential awkwardness or conflict is to volunteer to participate in a way that reduces or alters your contact with others. If everyone else is going to be doing X, offer to do Y in support of them. Offer to do the dishes or take meeting notes or arrange flowers or furniture – you get the picture.

 

Sometimes we can’t avoid directly taking part in a situation. In those cases, our best strategy is often preparedness. If you have advance warning, do your homework. Find out as much as you can about the upcoming situation – details of the space where it will be held, who will be there, seating arrangements, sequence of events – whatever applies. Then come up with ideas to make the situation less stressful for you.

 

Little things can help. Could you escape to the rest room or outside for a breather? Can you choose your seat? Maybe there’s something that will be required of you that you can practice ahead of time so you feel a little more comfortable. 

 

When I studied fashion design years ago, I volunteered to be a model’s dresser at the school’s annual fashion show. Luckily for me, one of the instructors offered to give first-timers a brief lesson in what would happen backstage and what the dressers’ responsibilities were. As a result, I was prepared for the fast pace of the show and knew what to do.

 

If the problem is really stressful, like visiting with a gaggle of relatives who relentlessly push your buttons, your best bet may be to plan for detoxing after the event ends. Have your favorite things (or people) waiting for you when you return to safer surroundings.

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If you want to learn more about about resilience, you can read my article here.

 

Quirks

 

Everyone has them.

Here are some examples. I once knew someone who refused to eat leftovers. Another didn’t trust big-city auto repair shops so they had a friend haul their car more than 300 miles to get it repaired in their hometown. Before the days of Caller ID and texting, I didn't like to answer my phone. 

 

I’m sure you’ve got examples also.

Answer this - What’s the difference between your quirks and your sensitivities and your preferences? And does it matter which category they're in, because they're all part of who you are?

 

Boundaries

 

Remember that your sensitivity can draw you into unhealthy comparisons and situations if you haven’t built up your self-esteem and appreciation for your abilities. Only you can do that and I hope you've made it a high priority if you haven't already achieved it. You need a firm belief in your self-worth when you feel out of place or challenged.

 

When you find yourself with people who don't get you or are lacking respect and tolerance for what they don't understand, you'll have to rely on your own strength. Boundaries have become a very popular topic lately and for good reason. But they're useful only when you believe you deserve them, when you've created ones that work for you and when you use them. They're difficult, and necessary, for someone who's a people pleaser and/or not assertive. If you could use some help, I've created a free guide on this subject which you can read here.

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When You Feel Weird

 

I’ll leave you with this quote from Frida Kahlo, Mexican artist born to a German Hungarian-Jewish father and a mother of Spanish and Mexican Indian descent. (1907 – 1954)

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​“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”

 

Your life is your creation and every day you get to express it. Remember that.

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Please - if you have thoughts or behaviors that are now or are potentially harmful or difficult to live with, seek help. 

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