Social Awkwardness & Shyness | karen elena james

Overcoming Social Awkwardness and Shyness

by Karen Elena James

Important - This article is not about the medical condition known as Social Anxiety Disorder.

Social awkwardness comes from not accepting ourselves as we are and not feeling confident about how to interact with others.

Communication is an essential part of life. Even private people who like to spend time alone need the ability to express themselves, ask for what they need and to share experiences. When we have the ability to bring people into our world, even briefly, the quality of our life is improved and we're less at risk for loneliness and isolation, two conditions that have become prevalent and threaten our health.

Connection

We all have ideas, feelings and opinions that we want to share. We don’t always have to make them public but it's unhealthy to keep them bottled up inside. There are a lot of ways to express what we feel – via the arts, physically, spiritually, being in nature, even online.

People are social creatures, even those who enjoy time by themself or are called "loner," sometimes by choice and sometimes not. The exchange of ideas can be stimulating and energizing, as the participants “feed” off each other. With awareness, we learn from other people and vice versa. When we connect with others, even for a moment, even with a stranger, we get a feeling of home – safety, comfort, acceptance and freedom. Yet we can also connect by respectful disagreement – there’s energy in the challenge of supporting our position. Engaging respectfully gives us an opportunity to evaluate positions that we haven't considered or to see old ones from another perspective.

Hiding from interaction

When we're withdrawn because of fear of being judged, of being hurt, of being misunderstood, we're being controlled by our fears. Unless we’re truly in a dangerous situation, we’re not protecting ourselves as we probably believe, we’re shutting ourselves off from a natural part of life. We can’t show others who we really are and we can’t fully accept others’ true expression of who they are. We aren’t living with filters and boundaries, we’re living with walls and barriers.

We fear people’s reactions to our words and actions, but the irony is that we show them so little of ourselves that they’re forced to judge us by the small slice of ourself that we present. Our personality may come out in spurts that don’t provide an accurate picture of who we are. People aren’t mind readers. They don’t know that we’re shy rather than disinterested, that we don’t know how to express what we feel or maybe even know what we feel. And when we remain silent too often, we don’t know how much of our personality and identity have been buried, not yet developed to its potential.

You don’t have to become someone you’re not, just don’t hide who you are.

You don’t have to become something you’re not – you don’t have to become a spontaneous and fearless person who talks freely with everyone if that's not who you are. What I’m suggesting is that you become comfortable with your personality and your interests, etc. and that you see others clearly as well. With self-acceptance, even if it's a work-in-progress, you’re not controlled by fear but by a genuine desire to share aspects of yourself so that you have a chance at whatever level of connection appeals to you.

The solution

Whether our shyness or feelings of inadequacy or awkwardness come from past hurtful experiences, from not having had healthy role models to learn from or from not understanding or not knowing how to live with our sensitivity, the solution begins with knowing and valuing ourself.

Genuine self acceptance comes after dissolving beliefs that your value is based on external ideals like appearance. Self-esteem comes after dissolving damaging beliefs about your value that were fed to you by others. It comes from removing beliefs that you will never be accepted. Remove these interferences that cause fear and keep you disconnected from others, and allow your sensitivity gifts to guide you toward healthy relating.

Self-belief comes from acknowledging the value of all of you, warts and all (read about accepting your shadow self) and working to develop aspects of yourself that help you grow as a person. Societies do have accepted ways for people to act but that just means that we can evaluate and integrate society’s guidelines and beliefs with our own. It's healthy to realize, also, that we all feel out of place sometimes and we all face challenges.

The process

Self knowledge. Transformation into a self-confident conversationalist is a process, a gradual shift in your inner world where beliefs are stored and therefore, where they're changed. But first, you have to know yourself well. When are you comfortable around people and when do you withdraw? Do you know why you do this? Are there people and/or situations in your background that might be the source of your lack of confidence?
Acceptance. Are you self-conscious about something that can’t be changed? For example, you have a permanent disability or you’re 6 feet tall and you’d rather be 5’ 9” tall. Maybe you want to lose weight but for now, you’re heavier than you want to be. If you can’t change it or you’re in the process of changing it, it needs acceptance. You are who you are now. If you believe you’re currently too shy but you’re ready to change (by doing things like reading this article), again, accept yourself now. Give yourself credit for the effort you’re making because not everyone is motivated to change.
Prepare to be a participant, not a spectator. We lose our feelings of awkwardness by learning how to participate. When we hide, our imagination and any unpleasant memories bring out our fears and expectation of the worst. Even one hurtful experience can prevent us from trying again. As highly sensitive people, we usually have several such instances in our history. Notice how often you talk yourself out of something.
Learn the basic rules of social interaction for different situations. For example, in most scenarios, we don't tell strangers our life story and we don't expect them to treat us like their family. We get to know people gradually. If you miss social cues, it's probably because you're so afraid of making a mistake that your focus is on yourself instead of the people you're with. Practice relaxing so you can pay more attention to them, which is one of the basics of interacting. And don't try too hard. With practice, you'll be more relaxed and natural.
Identify emotionally healthy role models. The easiest way to begin changing your conversational ability is by watching others who communicate with ease. Identify people who are comfortable in their own skin and express themselves in ways you’d like to. Maybe you already feel comfortable among certain groups of people or by expressing yourself in certain ways (for example, dance or gaming). To expand your comfort with other people, choose “regular” people who exude quiet confidence and radiate contentment, not necessarily the most attractive, the wealthiest, the funniest, the most ‘something.’ I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with superlatives, just that they aren’t a prerequisite for self-assurance.
Observe. How do your role models start or enter conversations? How do they present a conflicting opinion? Notice traits in them that you would call “flaws” in yourself. How do they handle them?
Evaluate your trust in other people. When we’ve been hurt or betrayed, we can develop a negative opinion of people in general or of certain groups. We expect to be disappointed again and this is evident in our approach. Notice if you do this and if your opinion is justified. How many people whom you know now really deserve your distrust?
Stop playing your survival roles. Maybe you’re a people pleaser, or a martyr, or the one who tries so hard to have the funniest jokes or the best score. These are coping strategies not life skills. Get prepared to replace them with genuine roles, but note that they will take effort (inner work) to dissolve.
Body language. We talked above about accepting things we can’t change about ourself. Remember that our feelings about ourself are the basis for how we express ourself. People sense this, just as you can sense other people’s tension or calmness or happiness. Ultimately, we want to be in alignment inside and outside so that we present a united picture of who we are.
Plan your first action step. As highly sensitives, it’s good to take things slowly and gently so that we don’t overwhelm our nervous system. It’s okay if we like to learn and explore and create on our own, but eventually we need to engage with others. Maybe you never initiate conversations – I was like that at one time – or maybe you’re so nervous that your behavior is nothing like the real you. Your first action step is to plan, and practice, a very simple interaction. Here’s one suggestion to help you get used to making comments in situations that are casual and unimportant:

Practice

Remember what you observed about your role model/s.

While looking in the mirror, practice making a simple comment that doesn’t require a response.

It’s okay if you cringe. Just get used to your calm voice and your self-assurance.

Do this until you feel relaxed talking to your mirror image.

If you notice things you want to change about your speech - eye contact, etc., do more observational research.

Action

It's time to speak to another person just as you've been speaking to your mirror image.

Decide on a time and place where you won’t be observed or heard by a lot of other people.

When you’re alone with someone (a stranger is a good start), calm yourself with a few deep (and silent) breaths.

Make your simple comment to the other person and give them a few seconds to reply before you move on.

Or you can make the comment as you pass by.

Repeat this step with another person – then continue with different types of people.

Evaluate

Pay attention to the other person's reaction and yours. Do you feel better when they respond, foolish if they don't? Can you imagine accepting their reaction and not feeling responsible for it (depending on your relationship)? Does the interplay vary according to your mood or confidence or something else?

The point of this exercise is to increase your comfort level making comments to different people in different situations, both personally and professionally, so that if feels natural to you and you're relaxed in a variety of

circumstances. That doesn't mean, however, that if you're an introvert, for example, you'll start enjoying

large gatherings where you don't know anyone, although you could. You're learning a skill that will open opportunities for you; you aren't obligated to become an entirely different person.

Summary

Give yourself time, keep your expectations realistic and try not to criticize yourself if an encounter doesn’t go as smoothly as you’d like. Remember that other people have fears also. They get preoccupied, they have bad moods and they face challenges. Don’t automatically assume that you’re the reason an outcome wasn't satisfactory.

As for your self-esteem, that doesn't improve overnight. If you're working on your self-worth, you should eventually see a change in both your communication skill and your opinion of and belief in yourself. Someone with quiet self-confidence emits a very different energy than someone who's unsure of themself and hesitant to act or speak. When you're comfortable with who you are, you'll be more comfortable with others. If you're not there yet, it's okay.

Finally, congratulate yourself for stepping outside your comfort zone and working on these skills. Communication is a huge part of relationships, so developing this skill can bring other improvements into your life that you can't yet

imagine.

NOTE: This article is not about the medical condition known as social anxiety disorder. Nothing in this article or any comments here should be considered medical or psychological diagnosis or treatment.